I feel like I am in the middle of the ocean just endlessly floating, there is no destination I am just lost. My mother passed away two and a half months ago, she was my best friend, my confidant, and my partner in crime (she would hate that description.) We talked so many times a day we always knew what each other were doing or where we were going. Most of the time if we were doing anything during the day we did it together. To say I miss her is such an understatement, I don’t really feel there is a word for how I feel.
What I have started thinking about is having a sister. Every single friend of mine has a sister, some are very close to their sister or sisters and others so not as much. I have an older and younger brother, I love my brothers but let’s face it they are boys. I can’t call and complain to them because men are fixers and they always try to fix things. Women listen, and if asked will offer advise, but for the most part women are okay to just be supportive in whatever you may need. I’ve realized I no longer have a woman who is blood related to me in my immediate family.
I wish I had a sister, who knew what growing up in my family was like, who would understand how hard it is to lose your mother and feel lost. I wish I had a sister to call and just talk to as many times a day as needed. I wish I had a sister who knew everything by the look on my face. I wish I had a sister to go to about any and everything. But I don’t, and I never will. I will also never experience what it is like to have a daughter. For the rest of my life I feel like I am responsible for everything family related, being the only woman now is and adjustment.
There are cousins, my mother in law, aunts, and very close friends who feel like a sister or mother but they are not. Call your mom and tell her you love her, tell her all the things you love about her. Call your sister or sisters and do the same, you really never know how long someone has on earth. My mother knew I loved her, I knew she loved me, I knew she was proud of me, but I will never again hear her say those things to me.
We are spreading my mothers ashes at sea this weekend, and I feel it makes everything so final. It is final, she is gone I know that, but I still can’t grasp how that is possible. I still imagine she will walk through my front door at any second, her arms full of food or gifts for her grandkids. When I walk into my parents house I still think she will be in the kitchen or sitting on the couch reading. Almost every single day I have the thought to call my mom, then remember that isn’t possible. I’m hoping my endless floating and feeling of being lost will fade with time, until then I have to remember the great things I do have in my life. I have an incredible husband, son, father, brothers, mother in law, aunts, cousins and great friends. Thank you all who have been there for me, I will never be able to repay you for everything you have done to help me threw this time. Thank you.