Not all change is good…but when is it ever?


When your mother dies it is like you are floating in the middle of the ocean. Actually it is like you are under water in the middle of the ocean and can’t decipher which way is up to air and which way is down to death. It is so confusing, so debilitating, so painful there isn’t a word that does it justice. A part of you has died along with your mother, call it your heart, your strength, or your hero, again which ever word you choose will not do it justice. She your mother, the woman who gave you life, once she is gone you are a different person.

She will no longer be just a phone call away or a hug on a rough day. She will no longer be the person you tell everything to, the first person to tell exciting news to and the first to tell horrible news to. Regardless of what you had to say she wanted to hear it, all day everyday since the day you were born.

Every single thing in your life changes after you lose your mother, literally every single thing. The relationships you have with your family, extended relatives and friends are all different. You try to be the same, you try to be present but at the end of the day it is just so hard to try to be normal again. What would be normal is your mother walking in the door, smile on her face waiting for a hug. That is the normal I want back.

Going through this past year will forever be the hardest year of my life. Everything has changed, I am the only female left in my immediate family. It is hard to take on the role of matriarch over night. I knew my mother was amazing however, I had no idea how much she really did. Family dinners for instance… I call and invite everyone over to my dads for dinner. I think of the menu, then buy items needed to make said menu. I cook the food and then clean up after for our little family of 10. How did she do this on a regular basis with stage 4 cancer, and make it look easy?

Nearly every single day since my mother passed away I have the thought to call her. Whether it be to ask her about a recipe, tell her something funny my son said or share some new achievement, I always want to call her first. I doubt that this feeling will ever dissipate.

My mother wouldn’t cry often in front of us because she wanted to stay strong, the only time she did cry was when she thought of leaving us. She is dying and all she can think of is her husband, kids and grandkids. That is what a mothers love is all about. The love a mother has for her children can only be compared after you have children of  your own. You realize how much every thing your mom did was for you, to make you happy.

Susan Connerley was an amazing mother, wife, friend, aunt, grandmother and more, but let’s be honest most say this when someone has passed. What made her different from most was she always had a smile for anyone. She was ready to build someone up after they had fallen. She was your first cheerleader in any new endeavor or your life long dream, she was there. While in life some parents do the bare minimum she wouldn’t even have known what that would look like.

This time last year we were on our mother daughter Europe trip, little did we know she would pass away a month after we returned. While I loved our trip and wouldn’t change it for the world a part of me still thinks what if we hadn’t gone? What if they had found the brain tumors sooner, would it have changed anything? I actually think she was well aware it had spread to her brain but wanted Europe to happen for me. Because that is what a mother does, she pushes through to make her child happy. My mother somehow pushed through BRAIN TUMORS, as in multiple so we could experience London and Paris together.

There is nothing else in this world like the love a mother has for her child. Once you are without that love it forever changes you.

Paris April 11, 2016

paris mom


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