Celebrating a life lost

To my readers ~ I am sorry I have taken such a huge step back from my blog, I was and still am going through one of the hardest things in my life.

It still feels like a bad dream, I’m going to wake up and be able to go pick my mom up for lunch. Today is one week since my mother passed away. I do not like “she lost her battle with cancer” because she is looking down upon us smiling. We lost her, but she did not lose to the cancer.  She fought cancer hard and long, she was the strongest woman I’ve ever met. Her doctors would often ask me, is she telling the truth or is she really that happy of a person? Most who met my mother would have never known she had cancer, much less stage 4 cancer. I took her to chemo every Tuesday, I took her to chemo about 50 different times since the cancer came back. It was so routine for us, it was just another chemo Tuesday.

My mom and I at the US National Soccer Game July 5, 2013

Today I would be with her at chemo watching a movie, laughing, chatting or just being us. My mom and I did everything together, we used to go to the beach, go hiking but the last year or so we did more movies and lunch because of her energy level. I never cared what we did, I spent every second I could with her. I am beyond thankful that for 35 years I was able to call her my mother, also that my son will always remember his grandma.

My mother and I at my wedding San Diego Bay December 2004

My mother Susan always had a smile for anyone, and never said a bad word towards another soul. She was selfless, there were so many “foster kids” my mom allowed at our house growing up. Any one of our friends who was having an issue at home was always welcomed into the Connerley home, and my father was not always happy about it. But my mother wouldn’t hear of it, she wanted not just her children but all children to feel loved. She loved many foster kids over the years otherwise known as my brother and my friends.

My parent’s wedding day St. John’s Church Encinitas April 24, 1971

To marry my father she became Catholic, and eventually became more apart of the Catholic church than he was, not any big surprise to any that knew her. I’ve never fought with my mother (teenage years don’t count, right?) her and I were always on the same page when it came to things. I didn’t realize not everyone has a mother like mine. A mother you can call day or night and will be there in a second if you need her. I assumed everyone had the special relationship we shared. But I am beginning to realize just how special our relationship was.

 We all wore her favorite color to the Celebration of my mother’s life May 16, 2015

At her celebration of life we had on Saturday everyone asked how are you? How are you holding up? I said I have my moments. The hardest day yet was yesterday, getting back into my normal life, taking my son to school, going to Costco and making dinner. I normally would have called her on my way home from driving my son to school, just for a quick hi. Then on my way to Costco I would talk to her the whole way, and on the way home I would call her again. Knowing I can’t call her is the hardest, it was my constant and it is no longer there. She is the first on my speed dial, I suppose she always will be, because I can’t bring myself to change it.

Family Vacation September 2014

My friends and family are amazing they really are, and I am so grateful my brothers and their beautiful girlfriends live so close. I would be lost without the support of my husband, friends and my family. But at the end of the day the hardest time is when I am alone. I didn’t realize how often I saw and talked to my mom. She was my go-to for shopping, lunch, movies or anything. Most of my friends work full-time, or are at home with young children. My job was taking my mom to her oncologist, chemo, MRI, and whatever scan she had. It is like I got fired from my job and I can’t even call my mom to complain about it.

My mother and father late 70’s (at least let’s hope it was the 70’s with that mustache)

Just when I think the pain of losing my best friend can’t get worse it does, for my father my heart is actually broken, it hurts. My parents were not high school sweethearts, they were middle school sweethearts, yes that is a thing. They were together for 52 years, and were still very much in love. Having to witness them hearing the cancer had spread to her brain, and she only had 4-6 weeks left to live was… well it was the most horrible moment of my life. Sadly 4-6 weeks would have been a dream come true, she died 4 days later. She was at home surrounded by family, we were all thankful she was not suffering and in pain anymore.

Tower of London April 6, 2015

My mother knew that I loved her, not just by telling her but by my actions. I knew she loved me because even though the cancer had spread to her brain (unaware to us at the time) she still put a smile on her face for our mother – daughter trip to Europe. She died one month to the day after we returned from Paris and London. Thankful, blessed, overjoyed, there truly are no words to describe how lucky I was to be able to experience that trip with my mother before she passed. She was tired and I would often tell her to slow down or lets take a break, but she powered on for me. She wanted me to have this memory, she wanted me to experience everything there was and more in Europe.

Thanksgiving 2013

After her health declined quickly upon our return I wondered if it would have been different had we not gone. What if she had the scan sooner, would it have helped? What if she had upped her steroids? What if this and what if that? I have to stop myself from thinking things like this because there are no what ifs now. There is just the reality that for the rest of my life I will have an empty place in my life, a place no one can fill but her. I am lucky I had the time with her that I did. I am lucky she knew how much I loved her, I am lucky I was able to call her my mom.