Dear God,

I have been putting off turning on my computer for a few weeks now.  I don’t know why I thought not working would change anything.  I know I can’t change anything, there is literally nothing I can do to change what is happening.  But You can change it God, You have the power, and I will bug You every second of the day until my prayers are answered.

As You know my mother’s breast cancer has returned and it is all over now, lungs, bones, liver to name a few.  We found out it had returned late in November, and she started chemo in pill form.  I had hoped that would be the end of this cancer story.  But for some reason You didn’t hear all of our prayers.  And believe me there have been a lot of prayers!  There have been people praying for my mother who have never met either of us.

We found out this week that not only did the chemo not help, but also that her cancer had spread more since November.  I know we have to stay strong and believe and I am really trying my best.  I won’t let myself think of what if… I won’t let myself go there.   I don’t cry in front of my parents, or brothers, that is saved just for my husband.  I will thank You God for giving me the most amazing family and friends.  Without I don’t think we could have gone through all this.  I will thank You for every moment I have with everyone in my life.  I believe You have a plan, I know You have a plan, You must have a plan right?

Thank You for giving me the strength to explain to my 7-year-old that grandma’s cancer is back.  He was only 5 the first time and he remembers.   He remembers grandma’s hair fell out, he remembers when we couldn’t go to grandma’s because he had a cold.  He remembers all the doctors appointments I took her to.  He remembers because it was less than two years ago.

I put off telling him as long as I could.  Unfortunately I had to tell him because the new chemo will most likely make her hair fall out again.  He has been praying to You, did you hear his prayers?   He said he wasn’t done yet having fun with grandma, and that the medicine better work this time.  If you can’t answer my prayers can you answer his?

I knew the cancer was bad, cancer is never good but for some reason this week has been especially hard.  We all thought our prayers were working, so to find out that it had gotten worse was pretty shitty to be honest.  I want to scream, I want to yell, but to who?  Who can I be mad at?  I called some poor kid at the bagel shop an idiot this week (I would normally never do this) please forgive me, as You know it wasn’t his fault.  I sat on the couch all day in my pajamas on Tuesday, and only changed because I didn’t to pick my son up from school in pajamas.

I won’t question You, because I believe and I have faith.  At the end of the day that is all I can hold on to.  My faith in You.  My faith that You will help heal my mother, my faith that You will answer our prayers.

Please bless my family, Lauren (both of them) Chris, Joy, Chelsea, Debbie, Linda, Robyn, Elisa, Renee’ (and her parents) my in-laws, Melinda (and her mother) Molly, Ashli, Jeanette, Kedra, Tejya, Paula, and every other person who is praying for my mother.  Bless them for thinking of her, and please listen to their prayers.

All my love,

Nicole